Midlife Transition #2 Mindset Mistakes & Midlife Crisis

When we reach midlife, it is often accompanied by a variety of changes.  Those changes can often trigger a midlife crisis.  The way we think about and respond to that experience to make a tremendous different in how we navigate a midlife crisis.  It can make the difference of suffering and prolonging a midlife crisis vs. a midlife crisis being the impetus for us to become who we were meant to become.  There are five mindset shifts that can help us traverse the midlife transition successfully. 

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Transcript

Ep. 93 Midlife Transition Part 2:  Mindset Mistakes and Midlife Crisis

Let’s jump into our topic.  

This is the second episode of our mid-life transition series.  In the first episode,  we discussed some of the changes that occur during mid-life.  We also discussed how this frequently causes uncertainty and disorientation for adults and can lead to a mid-life crisis.   We discussed some of the stages of a midlife crisis, and how a “crisis” can manifest in a much more subtle way than is often depicted in the movies.  If you haven’t had a chance to listen to that episode, it will be a helpful place to start before listening to this episode.
 
We will not be able to prevent all the changes that occur in mid-life.  In fact, as we discuss today—you likely wouldn’t want to prevent them when you see how they can improve your life.  However, there are a few things you can do to anticipate some of these changes and to navigate the disorientation, confusion, boredom, and dissatisfaction that can sometimes accompany this time of life. 

I’d like to offer a few ideas for navigating a mid-life crisis.  

 First I’d like to discuss our mindset around a midlife crisis.  Then I’m going to discuss some practical steps you can take.  Now I know there are some of you who will just want to fast forward through the mindset stuff and get to the practical stuff.  But I would encourage you not to.  In fact, if you were ONLY going to listen to one part or the other.  Listen to the mindset shifts.  You could do all the practical things in teh world, and if you still are approaching a midlife crisis from a mindset that isn’t useful, the practical steps won’t be as useful.  Here are 5 mindset shifts to consider.  

MINDSET FOR SUCCESSFUL MIDLIFE TRANSITION
 1.  YOU ARE NORMAL…you aren’t “sick” or an “aberration.”
When we find ourselves in a confidence dip and feeling uncertain and bored or disoriented, it’s easy to think that something is wrong with us.  I want to be really clear that a midlife transition or crisis is VERY normal.  As we discussed last time, Research shows that people in ALL socioeconomic brackets, across all countries, all genders experience midlife crisis.  In fact, there was a really interesting study I read recently that even even apes midlife crisis.  The National Academy of Sciences did a study with 508 apes (orangutans and chimpanzees…many of which might I add were originally from Indonesia).  :). Scientists interviewed zookeepers, and researchers who work closely with these animals.  They had them use rating measures to indicate mood.  What they found was fascinating.  There was a drop in their well-being in their late twenties or early thirties which is comparable to human middle age, which is around 45-50.   I hope this is just one more piece of evidence that if you find yourself in a midlife crisis.  You are normal. 
 
As I have started entering midlife….found myself sometimes wondering—is it normal to not be hanging out with friends as much?  Is it normal to be concerned about some of these physical signs of aging.  Am I the only one who sometimes thinks—I hope it’s not too late to start a new career.  I think i tbrings a lot of hope and peace to know this is NORMAL. 

2.  A midlife crisis is not a crisis it’s a rebrand
 
Andrew Jamieson recently published a book called, “Midlife: Humanity’s secret weapon.”  In it, he suggests that a midlife crisis is a rite of passage that we have pass through in order to feel settled in your later life and to acquire the wisdom and confidence to handle difficult situations in later life.  He specifically mentions a number of prominent figures such as those who led American through civil war or those who were able to help defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis and pulls back the curtain to reveal that it was their own personal midlife crisis that gave them the gravitas to fulfill these important roles with such aplomb.  
 
 I really like the way Pash Pashkaw describes midlife Crisis in his TedX Talk with UCLA.  He suggests that the name “midlife crisis” needs a re-brand.  Sometimes a name can cause confusion.  He gives the example of a Koala bear—that isn’t actually a bear, or Chinese checkers that isn’t actually a game from China.  Maybe a more accurate name for a mid-life crisis is a midlife transition or a midlife opportunity, even a midlife rebrand.  He explains that companies who re-brand can often grow their businesses significantly because they stop are reconsider everything about what they do, who their customer is, what they want to accomplish and how to best speak to their customer.   This refining process is often what allows sales to take off.  
 
 Likewise rebranding a midlife crisis as a midlife rebranding might help us think about it as something strategic rather than pathological.  Thinking of a midlife crisis as a crisis conjures up images of an emergency, something tragic, something that needs immediate and signficiant attention.  This can induce anxiety, overhwelm, and stress.  Whereas when we think of midlife as a time to re-brand if feels mroe strategic and maneageble and creates feelings of curiosity, creativity, calm planning and gatheirng our resources.

When my kids all went to school full time, I found myself feeling excited, but also a bit ungrounded.  I even found myself questioning…is this okay to be doing things I want to do all day long?  It has taken and continues to take some refining to figure out what’s next for me.  But thinking about it as a rebranding rather than a crisis is so much more empowering and motivating. 
 

2.  Your life is expanding, not shrinking.  Hour-glass

Shrinking

• During a mid-life crisis it’s easy to focus on feelings of loss, regret, and guilt about the past and feel like it’s too late to fix something that happened in the past.   Our chance to make things right is gone.  
• Or as we look forward we may think we’re too old to start something new or do something amazing.   (if something great were going to happen, would have happened in my 20’s or 30’s.). We might think our opportunities are shrinking because we’re not starting when we’re young, or because others view us as irrelevant.  
• In midlife, many of us carry a heavy burden of responsibility.  We often care for children, spouses, parents, neighbors, friends, co-workers, employees…it may feel like our personal time has shrunk and we are carrying the load for so many people.  There just isn’t enough time.  it may feel too indulgent to take time to consider one’s self.  Coach has a podcast called, “finally first”. 
• There aren’t as many opportunities in the future.

Expanding

• The root of the word “crisis” means “decision point,”I love this!  What if we thought about a mid-life crisis NOT as a problem or a narrowing of opportunities and capacity, but as a decision point.  What if it was just a crossroads full of lots of possibilities and we got to evaluate our past choices and make new choices?  What if rather than thinking of midlife as the culmination of good and heading into the harder half of life, what if we viewed it as an hour glass shape instead.  There is a narrowing at midlife that then opens up into all sorts of new opportunities.  
• What if we recognized that all the failures from the past have helped you get to where you are now, and will help you going forward because you learned from them.  What if with your wisdom and experience this is the perfect time to make amends for things in the past?  You’ve become a person who has the capacity to repair mistakes in the past.  
• Rather than thinking it’s too late…or you are irrelevant (focus on limitations), what if you considered that you are MORE equipped to be successful because you often have more experience, wisdom, resources and support available to you.  Your brain is fully developed.  What if the second half of life is even MORE amazing than the first half?
• What if putting your mental and emotional health first was exactly what allowed you to be the mom/wife/employee/boss/neighbor etc. you want to be?

Mentor Brooke Castillo—empty nest…wide world

EXAMPLE: Tempted to think…if had kept with my career in dietetics be so far, done so much—lost time, hard to start new career in mid-life.  Step back and realize, I LOVE my job as a life coach.  This was a think that didn’t really exist 25 years ago when I was selecting a career during college.  All my experience before now was perfect to prepare me for this.  

4.  This won’t last forever. It ends…and mood on the other side is usually higher on other side
One of the things that can feel really discouraging in the midst of a midlife crisis is wondering…how long will this last, or will this ever go away? This is a normal concern, however thoughts like this actually make the suffering worse and our ability to respond to them lower. 
 
Think about child birth for a moment…if think, I can handle one more labor pain—endure.  If think: 12 more hours of this, no way!  Remind self a few weeks to a few years.  Won’t last forever.  You can do anything for a few years.  
 
Research shows that midlife crisis don’t last forever.  In fact, research shows that happiness increases with age.  The U shape curve of happiness throughout life bottoms out in middle age, and begins climbing again.  Older people tend to have decreased stress, increased emotional regulation, more optimism and more life experiences that help them navigate situations in a more useful way than they might have when they were younger.  
 
Midlife crisis often only last between a few weeks to a few years.  Knowing that they are just temporary can help us endure the discomfort of them.  Remember the analogy of the butterfly stages?  If you thought you’d have to be in a cacoon all the time, it would feel unbearable.  But if you knew it was only a short stage with something amazing on the other side…you’d be much more able to handle it.

5.  Chance to prioritize things we know are important but haven’t done them yet. 
 create mentally what want in next 50 years.
 Have you ever wanted to remodel your home or change jobs or improve a relationship but you just haven’t gotten around to it?  A lot of people have this type of experience.  Life is busy and sometimes these important but less urgent things get shoved aside.  A midlife crisis makes some of these less urgent but more improtant things MORE urgetnt.   It provides us with the necessary motivation to get these things done.  
 
 Things have to be created first in our mind before we can make them a reality.   Think about a home remodel.  If we just went in and started knocking out walls to make a bigger kitchen, all sorts of bad things could happen.  But instead, if we first sit down with an architect and make plans, figure out what needs to go and what can stay, what will go where and how to do it all—the remodel can make our lives even more amazing!  
 
 A midlife crisis is that opportunity to sit down and reflecting, fixing, celebrating past AND preventing problems, creating new habits and patterns, changing course.
 
 EXAMPLE:  I’ve known 
 
 Felt a little intimidating at first to figure out, the business side of coaching.  I hadn’t previously had a lot of experience with owning and running a business and just the overwhel mof figuring it out felt. like a lot at times.  But I mapped it out and little by little I accomplished one thing, then the next and the next.  
 
 A year and a half ago decided I wanted even more tools to help clients.  I started mapping out a plan.   Wasn’t 100% mapped out….hard to do.  Did some research, mapped out a plan….applied, accepted, in program….moving along.  So exciting!!  What felt challenging and uncertain became exciting and specific when I started mapping out a plan.  
 
 If we use this midlife crisis as a chance to evaluate and plan and create…this can become an important and beneficial hinge point in our lives.