Changing your behavior around people pleasing is a process. Today’s podcast offers 10 practical tips to help you prepare for a situation, navigate no people pleasing in the moment, and a few tips for how to make not people pleasing successful. If you haven’t listened to the first three podcasts, be sure to do that as the podcasts build on each other.
On the podcast you'll learn:
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One-Minute Wisdom
Each week I carefully craft a short perspective shift or tool that you can read in about a minute or two. You can sign up here.
Follow me on Instagram: @theexpatmomcoach
Podcast Mentions:
The Full Cup Podcast by Libby Switzer and Craig Berthold
Changing your behavior around people pleasing is a process. Today’s podcast offers 10 practical tips to help you prepare for a situation, navigate no people pleasing in the moment, and a few tips for how to make not people pleasing successful. If you haven’t listened to the first three podcasts, be sure to do that as the podcasts build on each other.
On the podcast you'll learn:
Free Mini-Coaching Session
Sign-up for a free 30-min. mini-coaching session.
Schedule
One-Minute Wisdom
Each week I carefully craft a short perspective shift or tool that you can read in about a minute or two. You can sign up here.
Follow me on Instagram: @theexpatmomcoach
Podcast Mentions:
The Full Cup Podcast by Libby Switzer and Craig Berthold
Episode 62 People Pleasing Part 4: The 10 Commandments of Not People Pleasing
This week I was out weeding my garden. If you’ve gardened much you know that pulling the tops off of weeds doesn’t do much. In a few days the weed is back because the roots are still in tact. The roots are what is gathering the water and nutrients. To really get the weed for good, you need to pull up the whole root. Today, there was a small weed that I grabbed at it’s root, but as I pulled it out, the root just kept coming and coming!! The root must have been like 8 inches long!
What does weeding have to do with people pleasing? It might have more to do with it than you expect. People pleasing is only partly about what happens on the surface and mostly about what happens inside where others can’t see. And like the weed, if you only change your behavior—or what others see on the outside, you aren’t really getting to the root of the problem.
You might wonder, why I spent the last 3 podcasts on understanding mindset and emotion around people pleasing. Why not just cut straight to the tips and practical ideas about how to get started. The reason is the same as why I don’t just pop off the top of the weed.
But have you ever noticed what happens when try a behavior without shifting your mindset first? The new behavior might work for one time or maybe a few times and then you go right back to the same old behavior. You have not addressed your beliefs about yourself, your lovability and the inability to control other’s emotions. I believe our thoughts are powerful. They are like the roots of our behavior. Without addressing the root of the problem, the old people pleasing behaviors are going to resurface again quickly.
Sometimes our thoughts are subtle and we don’t even realize they are there—or the extent to which they are affecting us. Actually 95% of our thoughts are unconscious. Without changing our beliefs, we won’t see long lasting change. That’s why I’ve spend 3 podcasts leading up to the practical tips podcast. This is a series that builds on each other. Be sure to listen to the first 3 parts before listening to this one. This is the last part of this series and we are going to discuss some practical parts of how to stop people pleasing. I call them the 10 commandments of not people pleasing.
One minute wisdom
Before we start, I want to share an email from a podcast listener. She said, “Read email from Mel.”
Getting Practical
Expats are particularly prone to people pleasing. We move frequently or are in transient communities where we constantly meet lots of new people. We are away from our support structure and we need connection…and quick! All of these risk factors make expats prime candidates for people pleasing.
We’ve discussed why people pleasing is harmful. We’ve discussed how to know if you’re a people pleaser. And we’ve discussed how to shift your mindset to that you don’t want or need to people please. But those neuro-pathways of people pleasing are familiar and comfortable. The brain wants to maintain the same things—disruption is a bit uncomfortable. So any time we try something new—even if we believe in it and want to, we will experience a bit of resistance from our brain.
Here are some practical—how to do it in the moment type of tips to help you put into practice all the mindset and emotional tools we’ve discussed. I’ve entitled them “The Ten Commandments for Not People Pleasing.”
I have compiled the Ten Commandments for Not People Pleasing
These first five rules are tips that will help you if you’re feeling a bit nervous about trying to NOT people please. IT will help you overcome your brain’s resistance to it before hand or in the moment.
1. Thou shalt start with safe people.
The lower brain has three main goals—safety, pleasure and efficiency. That means that doing something new (even if the higher brain knows it’s better) means more work. That is less efficient than doing something you already have done. It’s also uncomfortable, and not to mention it feels a bit threatening as your lower brain is terrified people might not like you. So, it makes sense that your lower brain will be screaming no! Often after a few times of saying no, it becomes easier to do it. I suggest that you start with safe people—people you know will respond with kindness and understanding. This helps your brain get a bit of momentum. Maybe it’s a close friend or a sibling or a neighbor that you know well.
In order to feel extra confident acting it out before hand can be a huge help. You know how in high school you felt confident about a test when you studied but when you didn’t you felt more nervous? It’s the same principle with changing our behavior. Practicing can help us feel a lot more confident about trying out a new behavior.
The brain doesn’t discriminate between real and pretend when it is learning a new skill. Role play or practice using a new reaction can be very powerful. For example, you could have your spouse pretend to be a friend who asks you to do something. You could practice what you might say. “Wow, I’m so inspired hearing about that event; it sounds like a wonderful cause. I can’t make it that night though.”
2. Thou shalt leave the excuses behind
One of the things I notice is that people pleasers feel like they need to give excuses when they say no. They want to make sure the person they are refusing understands. But sometimes this approach backfires. When you give an excuse about why, it gives the other person a chance to evaluate your reason and decide if they think it is a legitimate excuse. This can create an opportunity for discussion or even hurt feelings on either side.
One tip to consider is to not make excuses. “No.” is a complete sentence. And one I like better is, “I won’t be able to make it.”
3. Thou Shalt Use the The Um Rule
When someone asks you something, it can sometimes be difficult to say no right away. One way to navigate this is to say, “Um, let me get back to you on that.” This buys you some time to actually think about IF you want to do it, how much you want to do, and how you want to respond. I call it the “Um” rule because um is a filler word people use when they need to hesitate to collect their next words to say. And, sometimes as people pleasers, we need to collect our thoughts and words before we respond.
The other day I was invited to an event. I was caught off guard and didn’t know how to respond. I said, “Thanks for the invite, that sounds really fun! Let me check the calendar and talk to my husband and get back to you.” I went home and thought about it and looked at the calendar and talked to my husband and then responded. I felt so thankful for the extra time to think through if it would work to go or not.
4. If you’re limited, thou shalt limit your offer
Sometimes you really do want to help, or say yes, or do something. But maybe you can’t help as much or give as much as the person is asking. Sometimes just by asking, you can work out a different arrangement. For example, I recently went to a shelter to volunteer. They had a certain shifts volunteers were required to fulfill. But I can’t volunteer as frequently as volunteers usually do. I asked the coordinator and she agreed that I could come less frequently.
In other words, if you are limited in time or money or energy but you want to help, evaluate what you CAN do and offer that. “I’d love to help—but I can only help for 2 hours. Or, I could commit to about 1/2 the work.”
5. When you think you can’t stop people pleasing, thou shalt employ the Einstein Experiment principle
If your brain rejects the idea of not people pleasing, these ideas won’t work. Or maybe you wonder if you could really do it. That’s fine. Consider trying an experiment. What if we simply tried out some different approaches to see what happens. Sometimes the brain won’t go from people pleasing to not people pleasing. But sometimes it WILL entertain an experiment.
I call this the Einstein Experiment because this is exactly how the scientific method works. We have a hypothesis and try out different experiments to gather evidence or to disregard our hypothesis. Our brain is often willing to operate in the same way.
Often we THINK others will respond in a terrible way, and we imagine how awful it will be. But often people are more open or flexible or understanding than we think they will be. We often think we won’t have the courage to do something, but we can surprise ourselves.
The last 5 commandments will help you be successful at people pleasing when you do it
6. Thou shalt use the boomerang principle
Sometimes people think that to stop people pleasing you have to be defensive or rude. This is a really common misconception and it makes sense because we are trying to change our behavior. But not only is acting harsh or defensive unnecessary, it usually backfires and causes the other person to feel hurt.
On earlier podcasts I’ve talked about mirror neurons—the way our body unconsciously reflects and takes on the emotion of those we are interacting with. This idea becomes important when we are discussing people pleasing. If we are kind, others are likely to be kind back. If we are defensive others may respond in a defensive way.
I call this idea the boomerang principle. What you send out, you usually get back.
Story of Seri Edelstein at Simmons
7. Thou shalt only offer sincere apologies
Sometimes we mess up and we do something that isn’t consistent with our values. It is important to sincerely apologize when you do something wrong. Often an apology is a key to softening a heart and beginning the healing process.
BUT apologies can also be misused. They can be used to appease other too. Sometimes we simply can’t do what someone else wants or even needs. We may apologize just to keep the peace or avoid conflict. Or, we may assume blame for something just to resolve a problem. This is a more subtle form of people pleasing but it is insidious. It creates confusion in the other person and they begin to blame you or assume it was your fault. And, it isn’t healthy for your own emotional health to constantly take the blame for things that aren’t really yours to take on. It can prevent real problems from being solved.
Before you apologize, really ask yourself, “Is this something I need to apologize for?” If so, do it. If not, consider asking some questions to attempt to understand or talk through things. You might ask something like, “I’m sensing some tension between us. I’d love to know what you’re thinking.”
8. Thou shalt prioritize
Sometimes clients ask me, how do I know if I should say yes or no to something. They doubt their own ability to make a good judgment of whether or not they should say yes. Each of us has 24 hours in a day. There are SO many wonderful things we can do in that time—too many in fact. In order to decide which ones to do and which ones not to do, we need to prioritize. I have my clients arrange their top 5 priorities. Everyone’s are different. For me it is:
1. God
2. Family
3. Health
4. Contribution in the world
5. Friends and Hobbies, social and Interests
Not everyone’s list will look the same and there isn’t a “right” order per se. But defining what is most important to you and what order they come in can help make decisions a lot more clear. If someone invites me to a late night event I I am exhausted and haven’t gotten good sleep—it’s pretty clear that it wouldn’t be the best option for me to say yes because health is a higher priority than hobbies/social. Likewise if I have planned to do a hobby sometime and someone in my family needs help, my answer is clear family is a higher priority than hobbies.
When you know your priorities ahead of time, you are less likely to let other things derail you. If you don’t have the order of your priorities clear, it’s easy to just go with whatever comes up and then feel like later we aren’t living the life we wish we were. Sometimes I ask myself, if I say yes to this, what am I giving up? Knowing your priorities and comparing them to what comes up is one way to feel more confidence about your decision to say yes or no.
Now this type of priority hierarchy can also get us into trouble. Of course life and experiences don’t fit nicely into categories. Sometimes we may deliberately choose to do things that are not in the order we list them and that is fine too. Priorities simply provide one framework for helping make sure that the most important things take precedence over less important things.
The idea of priorities also brings up another interesting question. Whose priorities are more important—the other persons or ours when we give an answer. Some people might say—just do what is best for you. But I like a bit more nuanced approach. I think it’s essential to consider the other person’s needs too when evaluating something. That is what kindness is. But it’s important as a people pleaser to ALSO consider your own needs equal to theirs, not less than.
9. Thou shalt decide it’s okay for people to be wrong about you.
Despite our best efforts, some people may not like you. As humans, we judge each other. Sometimes we mis-judge each other. Sometimes we simply have different preferences about what we like and what we don’t. We irritate each other. Trying to make sure people always like us or see us accurately is impossible. The more we try to do it, the more miserable it is for us and them. Deciding that it’s okay for others to be wrong about you is so liberating.
One of my listeners shared that after she had listened to one of my podcasts on the topic of “It’s okay for people to be wrong about you” she was asked to play the piano at an event. As she was playing she noticed her mind began worrying about what other people were thinking of her playing. She wondered if other people noticed her mistakes. She knew she had worked hard to prepare and was there to help out. She reminded herself that it was okay if people were wrong about her—it was okay if they thought she was unprepared or not as good as she hoped. This thought allowed her to feel more at peace and more comfortable to play. And incidentally to play better because she wasn’t worrying about others. She was focusing on the piano.
This is a true, and freeing thought that can give us confidence and courage when we find we’re tempted to people please.
10. Thou shalt fill your own cup. In other words: Build sense of self worth from the inside
This last “commandment” of not people pleasing is by far the MOST important. Your ability to not people please is directly correlated with your own sense of self worth.
When we need others to validate us or like us in order to feel good it will be almost impossible to stop people pleasing. But when we learn that our worth isn’t dependent on what others think or what others say, we open ourselves up to so much freedom including freedom to love ourselves and love others more.
I like the way Craig Berthold describes this principle. (I’ll link to his podcast in the show notes where you can hear him describe this principle.) He has been a therapist for over 47 years. He explains the idea of a cup which represents a person and when it’s filled up we feel confident, and fulfilled.
From the time we are young, we learn that the way to fill our cup is others. When we are hungry, our mother or father feeds us—literally. They fill our cup and we feel better. When we are hurt, they take care of us. When we get into middle school or high school our friends fill our cup. When we feel left out, our cup feels empty, but when friends invite us to the party our cup feels full. The problem is that when we become adults, that approach to filling our cup makes us dependent on other for our happiness. When need external reinforcement constantly, always at the mercy of others. THEY control how you feel about yourself. So, what do we do to keep getting our cup filled? We people please. We do what others want to get their validation and love—in other words so they fill our cup.
You become needy because you desperately want them to fill it. In addition as we grow up most of us have holes poked in our cups through rude comments, disappointments, painful experiences or trauma. These things cause us to doubt our worth. So even when others fill the cup, it doesn’ t stay filled. It leaks out the bottom because not only do we not trust ourselves, we dont’ trust them either about what htey say about us.
There is good news. We don’t have to people please to get our cup filled. And, we know it doesn’ treally work in the long run.
We need to patch our own cup and fill our own cup.
It is possible to feel a sense of self worth and confidence from within yourself. Loving ourselves is how we patch the hole. It is just about impossible to have a full cup until you make the decision to love yourself.
We fill our cup by trying to live in integrity with ourself meaning our outside and inside match, and by serving and loving others and assisting (but not totally filling other’s cups). People pleasers often assume that it is there job to fill other’s cups. OF COURSE people matter. Relationships matter; this is an essential part of our identity and who we are. But when we make it our job to fill our children’s cups or our friends or partner’s cups…we run out of liquid to pour in becasue their cups may have holes in them. And it may never be enough. In addition when we fill cups, those people become dependant on us fillin gtheir cups. And that isn’t a very nice service because we create other people pleasers who have to keep others happy in order to get their cups filled.
Fill your own cup. And assist in filling other people’s cups. But don’t make it your job to fill their cups and don’t make it their job to fill yours.
Summary
Tips for overcoming your brain’s resistance to people pleasing
1. Thou shalt start with safe people.
2. Thou shalt leave the excuses behind
3. Thou Shalt Use the The Um Rule
4. If you’re limited, thou shalt limit your offer
5. When you think you can’t stop people pleasing, thou shalt employ the Einstein Experiment principle
Tips for how to be successful at people pleasing
6. Thou shalt use the boomerang principle
7. Thou shalt only offer sincere apologies
8. Thou shalt prioritize
9. Thou shalt decide it’s okay for people to be wrong about you.
10. Thou shalt fill your own cup. In other words: Build sense of self worth from the inside
Exit Strategy
Think about an upcoming situation where you may be tempted to people please with a safe person. Employ the 10 commandments to the situation. You might start with practicing what you might say (without excuses). You might role play with someone before you go. You might practice not being defensive or apologizing but instead being thankful and kind but still saying no. Regardless of how the other person responds, remember your worth is still in tact and YOU are responsible for filling your own cup.
Coaching