People pleasing is something almost all of us do. Chronic people pleasers sometimes don’t know how to stop. On this episode we dive into how to stop people pleasing. There is a practical four step process with several examples to help you see how it might apply in different situations.
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People pleasing is something almost all of us do. Chronic people pleasers sometimes don’t know how to stop. On this episode we dive into how to stop people pleasing. There is a practical four step process with several examples to help you see how it might apply in different situations.
Free Mini-Coaching Session
Sign-up for a free 30-min. mini-coaching session. It can help make a struggling marriage better, and good marriage amazing.
Schedule
One-Minute Wisdom
Each week I carefully craft a short perspective shift or tool that you can read in about a minute or two. You can sign up here.
Follow me on Instagram: @theexpatmomcoach
Episode is Live
Published: Oct. 04, 2021 @ 7AM Edit
Unpublish
Transcript is Live
Listeners can tap through & see what’s coming up.
Create a Visual Soundbite
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Ep. 61 People Please Part 3: How to Stop People Pleasing (but Still Be Kind
My daughter and I recently read the story of the Princess and the Pea. I realized it holds an important lesson about people-pleasing. Remember the princess who comes in late one night during a storm and says she’s a princess, but the queen doesn’t believe her. She tries an experiment to prove the girl’s royal nature. She places a single pea under several mattresses. In the morning, the princess wakes up feeling miserable since she wasn’t able to sleep at all. The queen asks her, “How was your night?” The princess could have people-pleased her hosts and said she had a lovely night of sleep. That might have seemed gracious as her guests were generous to have her. But, it would have also been lying. The princess tells the queen the truth: it was an awful night of sleep of tossing and turning. The Queen confirms she is a princess, the prince and princess fall in love of course and the rest is history. If the princess had people-pleased her hosts, she never would have been able to get to her “happily-ever-after” by marrying the prince. I think fairy tales have been around for a long time for a reason. They often help us understand human nature better. The truth and happiness go together…even if it’s awkward.
Today on the podcast, we’re going to talk about How to Stop People Pleasing. Telling the truth can be much more connecting than trying to tell people what we think they want to hear.
This podcast is part of a people pleasing series. If you haven’t listened to people pleasing parts 1 and 2, I highly recommend you do; each of the podcasts builds on each other.
One Minute Wisdom
Before we jump into this topic, I want to tell you about a free resource that I offer to busy moms who want to improve their emotional health and their children’s emotional health. I call it “One-Minute Wisdom.” It’s a short tip or tool that you can apply with your family this week to help improve your mood and relationships. I distill it down to a short message so it can be read in about a minute.
One of my listeners told me the funniest story about something she had read on one of my one-minute wisdom emails and later learned more from the podcast about how to accept criticism. She explained that she could hear her kids having a petty argument. Her daughter called out, “My brother called me fat!” In the email I had explained there is a two step process to dealing with criticism. First, evaluate—is there truth in the criticism. Whether the answer is yes or now, the next step is to ask, what do I want to do about it. So, she decided she would apply this principle. She called out to her daughter “Is it true?” Her daughter yelled back , “YES!” Everyone in the family busted up laughing. (As a caveat, I realize that body image is a tender topic for many, and certainly isn’t something a parent would joke about. But in this case the family is all very slender and this was just a funny exchange.). I burst out laughing hearing about this wonderful moment. You know as we apply these principles, we will have all sorts of success and failure. Both are equally valuable because we learn from both. Thank you to this listener who shared this wonderful moment.
You can sign up for this free resource on my website, The Expat mom.com, or in the show notes.
The Truth Connects Us
To start off our discussion, I want to share a brief personal example of not people pleasing when it was tempting to do so…
Recently one of my daughters asked me a question. I knew the truth might hurt her feelings. I was tempted to give a nuanced answer or fudge the truth. I mean most moms don’t want to hurt their kid’s feelings. But, I knew the long-term detrimental effects of people pleasing. And I recognized that if I did tell her what I knew she wanted to hear, I would be lying. I reminded myself that love grows in truth and that it’s not my job to control her feelings. I wanted her to know that she could trust me. So, I told the truth. It DID hurt her feelings. We both felt a bit sad. I hated seeing my daughter disappointed. But I knew what it felt like to hear the truth and sometimes the truth is hard to handle. Instead of doubting my decision to tell the truth, I focused my efforts on my daughter and companioning her through what she was feeling. I loved her and me through her reaction. This process created space for us to have a really important conversation. In the end she was able to leave the interaction feeling loved, and supported. And, she knew she could trust me to tell her the truth. I left feeling loving and honest. We both felt connected to each other…by the truth. Just like the Princess and the Pea, the truth is what connects us, even when it’s awkward.
So this is a lovely aspiration, but how do we stop people pleasing without losing all our friends or turning into a selfish, mean person who doesn’t care about others. I want to reassure you, it’s totally possible. However, I will caution you, you will need to go outside your comfort zone.
The process:
Important Caveat:
Before I share some examples about how we might apply these four steps, I want to add a very important caveat.
Not people pleasing does NOT mean we never sacrifice for others. Not people pleasing does not me that we don’t do what others want us to do or ask us to do. It doesn’t mean we don’t sometimes do things that don’t sound fun or appealing. It also doesn’t mean that we selfishly go around asserting ourselves. Or putting up boundaries that are so thick others can’t get through. Remember just like when you’re people pleasing you’re only loving them. When you choose not to do something the goal is not to only love yourself. True love benefits everyone. It’s only love if it’s love for everyone. It is wonderful, important and so building to a relationship to compromise, have compassion, sacrifice, and endure discomfort for someone else. The huge key is that we need to do it because we WANT to and CHOOSE to, rather than doing it because we feel we HAVE to maintain our image or keep the affection of someone else.
Recently, our family was getting ready to go to an event. It was something I had looked forward to. One of my daughters was super stressed and not doing well. I wanted to go to the party, but I also knew my daughter needed some help and support in that moment. I had three choices. I could honor my own desires and go to the party. Or, I could stay home and feel resentful. OR I could make the choice to stay home because I wanted to be the kind of mom that was there for her daughter.
I knew I didn’t HAVE to stay with my daughter. But, I decided to stay with her—not because I “should” or I “had” to, but because I genuinely wanted to be there for her. I didn’t have an expectation that she would thank me, or feel close to me, or remember it, I just did it because I wanted to be the kind of mom who was supportive. The rest of the family left and I stayed with my daughter. We had a really nice time together and had some sweet connection. Had I stayed home because I “HAD” to—it’s what a good mom should do, I might have felt a bit like a victim that I wasn’t able to go to the event.
Owning my choice all the way through allowed me to feel disappointed to miss the party, but was also happy with my choice. We can make sacrifices to help others, but the reason we do it can determine whether it is people pleasing or kindness.
Examples
Four steps:
Call it what it is: lying. I’m I doing this because I HAVE to or because I WANT to?
Separate love and control
Ask yourself, what would love do in this situation?
Allow the other person to respond however they choose and love yourself and others.
Client and Her Boss
One of my clients found that she was feeling really frustrated and run down at work. She was contemplating quitting. And makes sense—who would want to stay somewhere they are miserable. As we talked through the issue, it became apparent that a large part of her frustration was feeling like her voice wasn’t being heard.
Her boss certainly didn’t make it easy to say and do what she thought would be best with her job. But we acknowledged that the boss may or may not change. And ultimately she was doing what she thought he wanted so her boss would think she was a good employee—even though she didn’t agree with it. The problem was that while it seemed calm on the outside, she was miserable inside. This is a subtle version of people pleasing. She was humble enough to recognize that. (Step 1).
Then we worked on separating out love and control (step 2). We discussed why even if she did everything she perceived her boss wanted—he might not like her or think she was a good employee, especially because she was so miserable and wasn’t able to do as well at work as she wanted. We also discussed that it was possible she could be who she wanted to be and he might like it. But either way—we con’t get to control the boss’ opinion. If we want a different outcome, we have to change our approach. She recognized that what she was doing wasn’t love, it was control.
Third we did a version of asking “What would love do in this situation.” (Another version of this question I love is “Who do you want to be in this situation?” ) Step 3 My client explained that she wanted to improve the environment and morale at work by introducing spotlights, fun games, things to look forward to, sales training etc. She wanted to CREATE the environment she wanted. Then we talked about the how. The client had an awesome plan.
We talked through how to approach her boss and how to expect a variety of outcomes and still hold space for her boss and herself. (Step 4) In other words we did step 4—loving yourself and the other person no matter how they react. This client was so courageous. She approached her boss and explained her plan. You know what her boss said, “Of course! You run with things.” She has and it has totally changed things in her office. My client was able to get out of people pleasing mode and into unconditional love mode—love for herself and love for others. This is not easy. And it is so inspiring to see!!
Client and her Husband
A different client found that she was feeling resentful. Her husband wanted to be intimate more frequently than she did. He husband had been disappointed in the past when she had turned him down, so she often conceded just to keep the peace. But over time it began to erode her relationship with her husband. She began really resenting him and dreading going to bed.
We started by recognizing what was happening. While it seemed “nice” to accommodate her husband’s wishes, it wasn’t nice to herself. And, it wasn’t honest. It was lying. Once we called it what it was (step 1), we worked on separating out love and control (step 2).
We talked about how in her compliance she was actually trying to get something in return…lack of conflict. But this lack of conflict wasn’t creating peace. It was creating resentment. We talked about what would happen if she was honest with her husband about the frequency she wanted to be intimate. She said, “Oh I know he’d act sad and dower until I complied.” We discussed whose responsibility it was to control his emotions. HIS. Now we certainly want to take into account other’s feelings when we make a decision. But love is love for everyone involved, not just one person over and over. And while it may have looked like love on the outside, she wasn’t feeling love on the inside. We talked about how only showing up physically and not emotionally for intimacy might be one reason why he wants to be intimate so often—maybe he isn’t leaving fulfilled. We talked about how while it seems kind, it might be unkind to continue people pleasing. Maybe it would be more loving to stop trying to control her husband’s emotions, and be honest. Real love grows in truth.
She thought about what felt like “love” in this situation (step 3)—-Love for her husband AND love for her. She decided she did want to be intimate with her husband, but she would love it to be less frequent. Remember when we talked about how sometimes love looks like no? She got up the courage to talk to her husband. And it took a lot of courage to share this after many years of marriage. She told him how much she cared about him and their relationship. She explained that she wanted to be intimate with him, but that the frequency of intimacy was too much for her and it was difficult for her to show up emotionally. She suggested they try a different frequency.
As expected, he was disappointed and confused. He didn’t like her plan. It was different than what he wanted. Of course it was. Men have 10-20 times the testosterone women do on average. And it was totally fine for him to want what he wanted, too. But it wasn’t working for the good of the marriage at this point. In addition to being disappointed, he was confused, because for so many years she went along with his plan. Remember the dance….he still wanted to polka and he wanted to waltz. He reluctantly agreed, but wasn’t happy about it. This was so hard for her!! Remember when we talked about how sometimes people pleasing is awkward in the short-term but better in the long term? She sort of wanted to just give up and do what he wanted so she didn’t have to deal with him moping or asking her or trying to be intimate outside of when they had agreed.
But instead she really tried to do step 4 which was to love him (understand that his desires were just as valid as hers and it was okay for him to feel disappointed. She felt annoyed at him, but she could also feel concern for him and compassion. And she could love herself for trying to be more honest in her relationship with her husband and for her efforts to match her outside behavior with her inside feelings. Over the next few weeks. though, she was able to enjoy intimacy so much more. She was able to show up emotionally in intimacy.
Her husband noticed. It felt better to him too. He still wanted to be intimate more frequently than she did, but he also loved and felt more fulfilled when she was emotionally present in intimacy. Now this doesn’t mean that sometimes she might not choose to be intimate outside of their schedule when he was in the mood and she felt willing. The difference is—she would need to CHOOSE that she wanted it too, not do it because it would keep the peace. Do you see the subtle difference?
Client and Her Neighbor
One of my clients had a child who was invited to a party. The neighbor who is good friends with her child was not invited. The client was so thoughtful and worried about the neighbor and was afraid the neighbor would find out and feel left out. She called the mom of the party holder and asked if they would invite the neighbor. This seems so lovely on the outside. But actually it was super awkward for everyone. After the call she felt so badly. She could sense that the party hosts were frustrated. Now they couldn’t transport everyone in their car. They didn’t know this other neighbor very well. The client felt bad for changing plans and she constantly worried that now when or if the the neighbor was invited, they would find out that she had asked the host to invite her child. What a mess, and all from what seemed like such a lovely effort to include!
The first thing we did was step 1 (call it what it was) we recognized this as people pleasing. It was trying to alter reality to look neat and nice and tied in bow. It was trying to control someone else’s feelings.
Then we separated out love and control. I reminded my client that in her efforts she was trying to control what her neighbor felt. She wanted her neighbor to feel happy. But that was outside her control. Even if the party host had invited the neighbor, the neighbor still could have felt confused and felt like, “Why did they invite us. We hardly know them. Maybe they think we are a project.” This is just one possibility, but hopefully it illustrates the lack of control we have. She recognized that as lovely as her intention was to include people it was something beyond her control. Love and control are opposites, they don’t go together. We noticed that the more she tried to control things, the more hurt people got.
For step three (think what would love do in this situation?). I asked her how SHE would want to be treated if she were in her neighbor’s shoes. She said, “Well honestly, I probably wouldn’t want my neighbor to go and secretly beg for us to be invited. I guess I would just want my neighbor to listen when I called and feels some empathy when I told her how hurt my son was.” Bingo. She wouldn’t want her neighbor to try to control her feelings if the roles were reversed. She would want to feel love and understanding from her neighbor. She decided this is what LOVE would do. (Step 3).
She went back to the party host and let her know she apologized for getting involved. The party host explained why she was frustrated and my client just listened. This was step 4—allowing the people involved to respond however they choose. Of course she had hoped for a wonderful welcome hug and brush the issue aside. But the host wanted to share. Just listening instead of controlling helped repair some frustration with the party host. My client was able to listen and love her neighbor too. The neighbor felt supported—instead of feeling controlled.
Hopefully these examples give you some real life application for what these steps might look like in a people pleasing scenario.
Summary
Let me review the 4 steps to stop people pleasing:
1. Call It What It Is…lying
Why are you doing this? Is it because you feel you HAVE to, or because you WANT to.
2. Separate Love and Control
What is actually love and what is control?
3. Decide what course of action would be loving to you, the other person and others and do it.
What feels like love in this situation? Or Who do I want to be?
4. Accept whatever the other person’s response is, and love them and love you all the way through.
Why might they be feeling that way? Have I been in a position like that before? These questions can help you feel more compassion and love for the other person.
Expat Exit Strategy
The next time you notice yourself in a situation where you feel obligated, resentful or frustrated with the other person, stop and ask yourself and I doing this because I want to, or because I have to? Then point out to yourself what is love and control. Decide what would be the most loving things for you, the other person and anyone else who is involved. Then allow space for the other person to respond however they want.
If you feel interested in stopping people pleasing, and understand the mindset but still have some doubts about whether or not you can do it, relax. You are normal. And, I got you. I have some practical pro tips that help you apply these principles.
So stay tuned for practical tips about how to apply this new mindset in a practical way. I will be sharing the 10 commandments of Not People Pleasing. You’ll learn about the commandment of inside out, the “um” rule, and commandment of safe not sorry people. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll talk to you next week.
Coaching
As we’ve discussed, learning to think differently about people pleasing can take some work. If you’d like some help noticing where you might be people pleasing, learning how you might apply some of these principles in your relationships, and knowing how these principles might apply in different situations and with different people, sign up for a free, 30 min. mini-session. I’d love to help you navigate that.