How to Add More Fun and Play to Your Parenting

It’s clear that play has tremendous benefits to kids and adults of all ages.  As kids, play comes naturally.  As an adult playing can feel awkward, unproductive, frustrating, and even unenjoyable sometimes.   As counter-intuitive as it sounds, adults sometimes have to re-learn how to play.   This podcast will offer some mindset shifts and practical ideas to help parents make play a natural and regular part of their lives and relationships.  

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Episode # 75 How To Add More Play To Your Life & Parenting

Last time on the podcast we talked about the science behind fun and it’s potential to improve your family’s mental and emotional health and strengthen your relationships.  This time on the podcast, I want to talk about HOW to add more play, more fun and more playfulness into your life and your relationships—even when we might not feel like it at first.

As I mentioned on a previous podcast it snowed in VA a few weeks ago.  It was my kid’s first time ever living in a place with snow that they remember.  They have told me for years how much they want to live in a place with snow.  My kids were SO excited that it was going to snow, they laid out their clothes the night before.  They could hardly wait to get out there are play.  I was delighted just watching them be so excited.  They woke up the next morning with big eyes…delighted that it was actually snowing, at collecting on the grass!!!  

They hardly wanted breakfast—they had a one track mind.  They wanted to get out there and enjoy the snow!  They said, “Mom!  Are you going to come out and play with us?”  Now I wish that I could say I was dying to go out and play with them and was a super fun mom who excitedly laid my own snow clothes out the night before.  
 
 But….As magical as it was to watch my girl’s excitement about the snow—Personally, snow doesn’t seem like much of a novelty to me.  I grew up in Colorado, where it snows all the time,  In fact, while I do love the world with freshly fallen snow—the realities of life with snow are actually a hassle—trying to shovel, scrape the car, pump the breaks on ice roads—not to mention when it’s cold enough to snow….it is freezing!!!  As I sat there thinking about going out into the freezing snow, and romping around, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that it was hard to feel super excited.  There was the to-do list looming, the hassle factor, the cold factor, the “it doesn’t sound very fun factor.”  While my kids rushed out, I decided I would get my stuff on and take pictures—I loved watching their faces full of wonder and the excitement they approached the snow with.  I took pictures of them catching snow flakes on their tongue and sliding down the small hill near our house on their make-shift cardboard sled.  One of the girls threw a snowball.  I was just heading inside to warm up and enjoy watching the girls from the window, when one of my girls threw a snowball at me.  The last thing I felt like doing was having a snowball fight.  But, I had this momentary flahsback to a day when my siblings and I had a snow day off school and we were out having a wonderful time in the back yard.  My mom came out and played iwth us.  She showed us how to make tracks in the snow and play the game fox and geese.  I remember it feeling like heaven on earth when my mom played with us.  As much as I wanted to run inside, I also knew this was an opportunity for fun and to create memories with my own kids.  So, I took a deep breath, zipped my phone in my pocket, and turned around picked up a snowball and threw one back and my daugther.  Her eyes got wide with excitement and a gigantic smile crossed her face.  She immediately picked up more snow to throw back.  Soon the other girls saw the fun.  They started throwing snowballs too.   Soon there was a flurry of running and of snow going everywhere.  Some well aimed, others dissipating in the air before they even made contact.  It felt sort of obligatory at first, but after a few snowballs I caught the spirit of fun.  My girls were laughing and so was I.  My husband came out and joined in the fun.  What I felt so reluctant to do at first, now feels like a treasured memory.  

It isn’t always challenging for me to get into the mode to have fun with my kids—but sometimes I do have to deliberately choose it rather than just enjoying the organic momentum of fun.I hope this podcast will offer you some ideas to shift your mindset about play with your kids when you aren’t feeling in the mood as well as offer some practical ways to add more play and playfulness and fun into your life.  

Review
Before we get started I wanted to share something one of our listeners shared about a recent podcast series.  She shared that having recently lost a family member in a traumatic way, the grief series had been so helpful in navigating this very difficult experience.  I really appreciated her taking the time to share her experience. Grief is so different for each of us and each situation.  It can feel like a very lonely thing.  The episodes that this listener is referring to are:  episodes #62-67 where I walk through the common experience of grief and offer some models about how to understand your experience with it.  I also share my own experience with grief losing my mother and I interview my siblings who also share their experiences.  
 
I would love to hear an episode that resonated with you or how you’ve tried to apply these tools in your life.  The best place to do this is to leave a review.  Your review can be anonymous if you choose, but this allows others moms to see your experience or insights and benefit as well.  It also helps the podcast grow and reach more people.  Alternatively you can DM on instagram @theexpatmomcoach.  I’d love to hear from you! 

 So if play is so great…why don’t we play more?
Last time we talked about some the scientifically proven benefits of play such as; strengthening emotional connections, boosting the mood, increasing creativity in resolving conflict, and even retain and absorb information better.  So if play is so great, why don’t we play more with our kids.  It comes so naturally to kids.  And when we were young, we did lots of playing!  Why is it harder to play as an adult?  Why does it take more deliberate effort to play when we get older?  

I think there are a few reasons why we don’t play as much, and understanding these can help us shift our mindsets about how TO play more.
 
 It’s Awkward

As adults we have un-learned how to play.  It came natural to us as children.  But, most of us have become much more serious as adults and parents.  We have responsibilities and a to-do list and obligations to fulfill.  Some of this sobering up is important.  However, too much seriousness can really take a toll on our emotional health and on our relationships.  Sometimes it feel sort of awkward or even unenjoyable to play.    That playfulness is ironically a bit vulnerable, especially when we’re out of practice.  Sometimes we have to be willing to be awkward.  And, it’s not like it’s something we’ve never done.  It’s like riding a bike, once we get going, we remember quickly!  And just like anything else, the more of it we do, the more comfortable it feels.   In fact as we begin to play more, the brain realizes how good it feels and how goot it is for us.  We release dopamine during play which is our desire neurotransmitter.  It causes us to want more of it.  So if we can start the ball rolling forward, the body will help us gain momentum with our dopamine causing us to desire more play and fun making it feel more natural with time.  What if play isn’t awkward….what if it’s more natural than anything else we do?  This might be an important thought to try on. 
 
 It’s Not Productive

Sometimes it can feel like adding fun to life is indulgent—something we can only do when all the to-do list is done.  Whether we’re talking about a planned activity or just being more playful in the things we’re already doing, play actually makes things MORE productive…even if it takes extra effort or seems to take a little extra time.  However, the truth is, fun often helps things get done faster and better than they might otherwise get done, because we have less emotional resistance from ourselves and our family!   In addition, we have better relationships which means less mental drama and strain always rolling around in our heads—it frees us up to really do more. Often time when we fill our kid’s emotional cup, they are more willing to be cooperative.  What if play wasn’t unproductive, what if play is more productive?  

It Will Compromise Respect From Kids
My husband made an interesting comment about this topic about this the other day.  He expressed that one of the problems with playing with kids can be that the roles of parent and child and their respect sometimes gets blurred.  Sometimes after play, it feels like it’s harder to shift back into the parent-child role.  He’s right.  Children need a parent, not a friend and that becoming too casual or lax with kiddos can create an environment of confusion or disrespect.  This is definitely important to consider.  As we talked about it however, I suggested that I think it is totally possible to have fun with your kids and not lose the respect that helps families run smoothly.  In fact, playing and and getting into the child’s world often allows them to feel respected and when we feel respected, we’re more likety to show respect to the other person as well.  In addition, when we spend time iwth our kids and make connections iwth them, we  as parents respect ourselves more for being who we want to be.  As a result we both come away from the exchange feeling good.  And, I think kids are often more respectful after playing.  

In fact, I think one of the reasons play is so powerful is that when you play with your kids sometimes your role of parent and child IS temporarily blurred.  When we allow ourselves to go to that place of getting on our child’s level, our children feel understood and naturally respect us more.  It might be worth trying on the idea that play doesn’t compromise respect from kids….it might increase it.  

I don’t enjoy playing

Okay, let’s be honest as a middle aged adults, playing blocks or dolls may not be on the top of your list for “fun.”  One of my six year old’s favorite thing to play with me is Barbies.  It is not one of my favorite things to play with her.  I often resist it in my mind, but when I finally sit down and do it, I’m often reminded how much fun it is to create a story and see my daughter’s creativity.  Sometimes doing what a child enjoys can be really powerful.  Getting down on their level and into their world allows you to connect in an important way.  However, playing more and having more fun doesn’t always have to look like playing on the floor with toys.   What if playing with our kids could be a lot of fun?  

What is Play?

Let’s talk more about what play really is….If it doesn’t involve toys, what is play?  I really liked the definition that the author Wittgenstein gave in the book, Philosophical Investigations.  He writes, it’s very, very hard to define what play really is. There are three main characteristics that we tend to use when we talk about play: It’s voluntary in the sense that you’re not obligated to do it; it’s flexible and can be changed or manipulated, like Play-Doh for your life; and it’s enjoyable and fun.”  
 
Okay so it’s voluntary, it’s flexible and it’s fun.  That seems like it has a wide range of possibilities.  I like to think about play and fun in family life as more of a generalized attitude, mindset and approach in our interactions.  Remember in the last podcast how we talked about the three ego states:  the parent ego, the adult ego and the child ego.  I explained that the parent ego state is our ordering, directing and correcting mode.  Our adult ego state is when we’re calm, non-emotional and sending and receiving information, and our child ego state is when we’re highly emotional both positive and negative—we’re playful, joking and or very frustrated.  We discussed that both children and adults can be in any of these three ego states at different times.  We also discussed that the best way to make emotional connections is when both the child and the parent are in the child egos state.  The same is actually true for friendships, spouses, and adults too!  This ego state is where we feel highly emotional and vulnerable and we have the chance to really bond.  

So when we talk about adding more fun and playfulness to your life and relationships.  I’m not only talking about play with children and their toys, or even adult forms of play like video games or girls nights.  Of course more formal play can be part of it, but more so, I’m talking about how to shift into that child-ego state more often in the course of what you’re already doing.  

Let’s jump into some practical suggestions about HOW to add more fun to your life and your parenting.  How can you shift into that child ego state and do things that are voluntary, flexible and fun?  

These are 5 suggestions based on research, parenting books and classes, my own life experience, those I’ve seen model it, and my client’s lives and experiences.

HOW TO ADD MORE FUN TO YOUR LIFE

1. Start with a Question

Questions open our minds to new ways to solve a problem.  One way to add more fun to your life is to ask yourself a simple question: “How can I make this fun?”  It may sound simple, but as we ask this question we direct our mind to look for answers.  I have found that this is a great question to ask even when I am driving in the car with my kids.  Sometimes the answer is turning on music and singing along to it together, or playing a game of “I Spy” out the window.  It might be playing license plate bingo or exchanging jokes.   With my teen it might involve being sarcastic or pointing out funny or awkward things.  Often my brain can come up with lots of fun things when I ask it. 
 
 Saturday mornings are invariably the worst time of the week.  No one has a schedule, so we wake up at different times and everyone seems to end up grumpy…especially when we start Saturday work.  Several different times, my husband and I have asked, “How can we make this fun?”  Sometimes it means making pancakes in the shape of snowmen.  Other times we might decide to leave early for a family outing.
 
 This question also works for me individually.  Sometimes when I have to go to an event that I’m not really looking forward to asking the questions, “How can I make this fun,” gets my mind thinking in a different direction.  I might decide I’m going to see how many people I can talk to, or make a game with my kids to see how many people are wearing black.  When I am talking with someone who I’m not that interested in talking to, I’ll think, “how can I make this fun.”  I love to think about what makes this person tick?”   None of these things takes much time or preparation, it only requires asking the question: “How can I make this more fun?”  Invariably your brain will think of a way to make everything more fun. 
 
 2. Do Something Unexpected or Silly

Another way to add more fun to your life is to do something others aren’t expecting. .  You could decide to celebrate a lesser known holiday like Dr. Seuss day or National Ice Cream Day—just for fun.  We could surprise our spouse by showing up for lunch at their office.  The unexpected nature of it, provides an element of fun and breaks up the monotony of our normal routines.  
 
 In families, we tend to act and respond the same ways.  Changing up the way we respond to something could bring an element of fun.  For example, we could sing our answer back to a child that is continuing to whine.  Children who are being really stubborn might soften a bit if we do something out of the ordinary like pretending to faint because of saddness or inviting them to race us like bunny rabbits upstairs.  I remember one time my kids were in a real funk and refused to get dressed.  I put on my daughter’s pajama pants and my kids could not stop laughing.  
 
 Even more dramatic and fun is to say the exact opposite of what they expect.  For example, one of our girls said they didn’t want to get ready for bed.  My husband said, “Oh good!  I’m so glad because I am really tired.  He went and laid on the bed.  When our daughter saw him there she wasn’t sure what to do.  Dad!  She said, why are you laying there?  I’m sleeping beauty.  You’ll have to get your pajamas on and give me a kiss before I can awake.  I find this approach is particularly fun with teens.  When they come home and say, “I’m so bored.”  When you say the opposite of what they expect, it can really be a lot of fun.  “Oh good!  I’m so glad.  Actually I have a long list of cleaning jobs for you.”  You can imagine that is going to shift the mood—especially when you tell them you’re joking.  Just doing something unexpected shakes things up and causes everyone a refreshing moment of aliveness. 
 
 I love the story about a couple who chronically argued. The therapist suggested to the husband that next time they got into an argument, he should do something unexpected.  For example, he could make a loud noise with his lips and flail his arms and fall to the ground.  The man said he felt stupid doing that and could never follow through with that request—especially in the heat of an argument.  The therapist had him practice in the office multiple times so he would be prepared.  He still wasn’t sure he wanted to do it, but the next time an argument arose, the man decided to try out the unexpected flailing.  Both he and his wife were so shocked, they burst out in laughter for several minutes. It softened them both up a bit and they were able to deal with the issue from a different set of emotions.  In situations that are consistently difficult, this can be a great way to add some fun.

Doing something unexpected can often help to bring more fun into your life.  

3. Figure Out a New or Fresh Way to Do It

The brain thinks that confronting moderate challenges is fun.  Sometimes simply introducing a fresh way of doing something can increase the enjoyment we get from doing it.  For example, you could tell your family you’re going to drive home a different way.  Or, you might want to try out a new restaurant if you always do the same one.  
 
 I remember my mother constantly trying to make the same old cleaning more fun.  I’m sure she was sick of hearing us complain on Saturday mornings when she gave us our weekly cleaning jobs.  I remember she did all sorts of things to add in fun.  One time she hit coins for us to find when we were cleaning, and she hid them in places she knew we would only find if we did a good job cleaning. Other times she would turn on music and we’d all have a dance party while cleaning.  

A family favorite was the rag game.  On Christmas, the last thing any of us felt like doing was dishes.  So after Christmas dinner, my parents must have really thought, “How can we make this fun?”  We played the rag game, which included running through the kitchen.  The person at the sink would throw the rag.  If it hit you, you had to come swap out the person doing dishes and they could run.  It was a fun memory from all of us that originated simply by thinking of a way to do something in a fresh new way.  

4. Link Fun with Menial Tasks or Unpleasant Things

Another way to add more fun to your life is to link something you really enjoy doing with something menial or boring.  Laundry and dishes aren’t my favorite tasks.  However, when I link them with listening to a podcast or watching a show, suddenly those tasks become a lot more fun!  In fact I almost look forward to them.  Lately as a family we’ve been bringing the clean clothes downstairs in a pile and folding as a family while we watch a movie.  The kids have thought it was fun!  

When my daughter was in the hospital for several days, she began to dread the various nurses and doctors coming in to poke and prod her.  I decided to invent a little game: each time a new person came in we asked them their favorite color.  My daughter had a chart where she marked off their answer. This shifted her mood dramatically and she began to look forward to new people coming in.  

I had a client who was struggling with developing a new habit. I suggested she could make a chart where she tallied her “fails”—I challenged her to get to 100 times. This simple exercise took the drama and frustration out of failing and allowed her to see it as a process.  

Often tying things we enjoy with things we don’t can make things more fun!  

5.  Set aside time for fun and connection

 As we’ve talked about, fun is often a matter of shifting our mindset, and making normal things we’re already doing more playful.  However, the last suggestion is to schedule regular time for play.  Sometimes, despite our best efforts we forget about play.  Having a specific time set aside to have fun and play can help a lot.  

Knowing you have a special time set aside each day to play with yourself, your spouse or your child can help make sure it happens and it gives us something to look forward to. It might look like playing a board game together, or going for a walk, or reading a book.  It might look like cooking together or any of a million things. Remember our rules for play….it needs to be voluntary, flexible and fun.  That means it won’t work if we’re cajoling our teen to do something just to check the box.  And, it may not be “fun” for our child if we always decide what we’ll do together.  It might be that you let your kids choose from a list of a few things what sounds good in the 10 minutes.  

This special time is something that can help us connect in a powerful way.  With teens it might look like nails, funny videos on-line, listen to their music, joking about license plates etc., go for walk, play board game, trivia, cook together, bike ride,  With younger kids it might look like; throwing a ball, playing trains, building with legos, playing dolls or barbie, dressing up, having a drawing contest, going on a date just the two of you for ice cream and list goes on.  

The power of this regular time you set aside for playing and fun has incredible benefits.  This time builds important emotional connections.  There are often less attention seeking behaviors because kids feel they are getting the attention they crave.  You often get to access your child’s world and see things from their perspective and you feel amazing as a parent because you feel connected and involved in their life!  

Summary
Fun has incredible potential to build relationships and improve our family’s mental and emotional health.   The truth is it doesn’t have to take much time, and it’s often more productive than carrying on with a sober attitude and trying to get compliance.   Although our brains try to convince us that we don’t like it or we won’t enjoy it, often we actually do when we get going.   
 
Here are some faulty beliefs we looked at:

It’s awkward
 It’s not productive
 My kids won’t respect me
 It’s not fun
 
 We discussed that actually play is fun and natural, even the brain supports it.  It’s often more productive and breeds more respect than our interactions without fun.  And fun actually IS fun once we get going.  
 
 I also offered five ways to shift into your child ego state more often and add fun to your life and family relationships.  
 
 1. Ask the question: “How can I make this more fun?”  
 2.  Do the unexpected
 3.  Link something menial to something more enjoyable
 4.  Find a fresh way to do the same old things
 5.  Set aside time for regular play and fun

You might even find that the process of adding fun to your life might actually be fun itself because you’re creating and that boosts our mood and is by it’s very nature fun. 
 
 Expat Exit Strategy
What is one way you could add more fun to your family life?  
Decide when you’ll try that out this week.  

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And, in case you aren’t quite ready for coaching, you can sign up for my free resource for busy moms who want to improve their family’s emotional health.  I call it one-minute wisdom.  Every week I distill down one important perspective, story or tool to something that can be read in about 1 minute.  The idea is that you can apply it with your family that week.  You can sign up through the link in the show notes or on my website at the expatmom.com